I don't like to make New Year resolutions mostly because I never keep them after the first month and really if you're going to change something about yourself why does it have to be New Years?! However after the amazing year I've had I decided I owed it to myself and God to strive toward a few goals this year, basically what I always strive to do, but I'm really going to try my hardest this time!
1. Not yell as often and be more patient.
2. Spend time with those who matter the most- family, friends.
3. Really try to lose weight!
4. Spend more time praying and incorporating it into my life better.
... and this is the hardest and one it's hard to admit to...
5. Learn how to let go of my anger and learn how to forgive more
This last one will be my biggest challenge and with God's help I hope to be more peaceful at the end of the year!
My Mom's been really weighing on my heart the last few weeks and let's face it, rivers of tears have been spilled! I don't know why all of a sudden her death has really been on my mind, but I have a feeling God is telling me it's time to finish 'the grieving process' I've been so busy putting myself last that I've just pushed to the side something that needs to be done, and I've decided that I'm still on the anger step... angry that she didnt' try harder to get better, angry that I should've pushed her more instead of arguing with her, angry that I wasn't a better daughter and was selfish about giving my time to her and being tired of taking care of her, angry and hurt that her death made me feel helpless and abandoned, and hurt that it made me feel like we didn't matter enough to her, and angry and hurt that she's not here for her grandchildren!
This is what I need to work through in order to finally accept that she's gone and maybe my heart won't hurt so much, maybe I won't feel as lonely, and maybe I can learn to forgive others more easily if I can forgive my Mom for leaving!
I wrote several poems when my mom died and I wanted to read one at her funeral, but they just seemed too personal and too private to share and honestly a little dark.
Actually, I never share any of my poems because to me they have always seemed too personal a glimpse into my life and what I feel and it's not just sharing a poem, it's sharing the most personal part of who I am and that's always scared me for people to see that far into my soul because rejection has always been my biggest fear and what better way to avoid that than to keep it all bottled inside?!
I'm not ready to share any yet, but maybe this blog will help me to learn how to do that too!
Thank you if you made it this far through my blog, I feel a lot better getting some feelings out in the open! God Bless you!
Welcome to blogging. I started to keep my family updated on our boys however now I do it as a way to express my feelings too. It's great and free therapy! I wrote about my miscarriage just a few weeks ago and it really helped me work through those feelings. Good luck! You write beautifully!
ReplyDeleteThanks Emily! Your words are a comfort; honestly I was a little nervous posting this. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage it is definitely a hard thing to go through, but time will help make it more bearable- I will pray you find comfort!
ReplyDeleteKelly,
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I learned in my divorce class that can be true for your situation as well, is that you can grieve as long as it takes. There is no time table for when you are suppose to be okay. Some people grieve for months. Others grieve for years. My mother died 21 years ago this month. I still think about her. I still get angry that she isn't hear to see Owen. You will carry your mother with you forever, good thoughts and bad. Just remember that while she is not here physically, she still lives inside of you. And I'm sure she is still looking down on you and your family with pride and joy!